Celebrating Sensitivity with Dorota Godby, UK

Praise for the quiet

2011-06-17T21:04:00.010+01:00

Today, a fun quote to even up appreciation for the introverted part of the reading audience. Illustrating how, to the more outgoing mindset, being quiet can appear very strange.

While in the either/or mindset that's all around us, it's easy to confuse the different with wrong.

Here's to a more expansive and enjoyable thinking that - far from running away with fear of the other - includes the different for a more balanced and interesting world!

"- She doesn't talk much, does she?

- No, she's always quiet. We think maybe there's something wrong with her.

- Yes, or something very right... The quiet ones are the ones who change the universe. The loud ones only take the credit."

(The Emperor of Centauri Republic said in "Babylon 5 Movie")

CONFLICT HOTLINE (June 2011): connection skills for parenting situations

2011-06-12T14:50:00.004+01:00

With appreciation and recognition to BayNVC organisation who produce this inspirational program, here are "what do you say?" role plays for tense situations between parents and children.

Not a parent? How about your inner child? Lots of practical inspiration here!

part 1/4 When it's difficult to leave, understand (don't explain)

part 2/4: Interview with Jannai who grew up in an "NVC household"

part 3 When siblings (or two parts of you?) squabble

part 4 "Not under this roof" - when there is a strong preference to say "no"

On ways of being

2011-05-29T21:25:00.013+01:00

Deep rift in the core of an old tree. Looked painful.

Do you ever find yourself in distress, wondering what's best to do in a complex situation inside or with others?

On a sensitive spectrum of experience, distress can come from for-others-minor triggers, right? It's one of the reasons why I'm always on a lookout for insights and guidance about transforming pain. So when I came up the fine distinction I want to share with you today, something inside me sat up and listened. See what it does for you, starting with these summary quotes:

"As important as behavior is (...), most problems at home, at work, and in the world are not failures of strategy but failures of ways of being. (...)

Generally speaking, we respond to others' way of being toward us rather than to their behaviour.

(The Anatomy of Peace)

There's big hope and a not too small a challenge in this, the way I hear it.

How do you like it?

More on compassionate curiosity

2011-05-24T10:49:00.009+01:00

How do you accurately measure what's there?

One day, they discovered they'd overstocked on washing up liquid.

- "Then, I'll give the bottle I bought to my sister as a gift", said he.

- "What?!!!", exclaims she, having hard time not to judge him as cheap. The idea is so not what she'd do, she can't see where there'd be merit in it at all. She doesn't remember - at the time - of an option to meet what's happening with compassionate curiosity, rather than damning diagnosis. Until he adds,

- "My sister's been struggling to find a washing up liquid she can trust to be totally safe for her baby and this one has only edible ingredients. When she sees this, she can relax a bit about the issue."

The woman's feeling embarrassed squirming inside now. Wouldn't you, in her place?

A true story.

Isn't the meaning we give a huge factor in what we do and how things go in interactions? The woman in the story got away with it without a fight or breakdown in connection - this time. But, haven't you ever experienced a time when you judged somebody worse than they were to your own detriment? The meaning we give is one of those things that can make or break peace and opportunities.

I'm not speaking here for interpreting positiveness where it's not there. (As Tony Robins said, there's not much point in going to your garden and repeating "There's no weeds, there's no weeds"). But, interpreting the worst in the absence of true understanding is not an emotionally smart solution either.

So, I'd like to share three "check with yourself" make it or break it questions I've taken from Robins (on watching his Relationship Seminar):

1. What do I focus on?

2. What meaning do I give it?

3. What will I do next?

Play with them and see what they can do for you and your interactions with life, self and others. Happy findings!

CONFLICT HOTLINE (April 2011) when trust is broken...

2011-05-17T19:48:00.011+01:00

Here is another opportunity to watch and learn from role plays of navigating human interactions when there's difficulty and pain. Big appreciation to BayNVC for creating these peacemaking programs and making them available on youtube.

Please note that the insights and empathic skills demonstrated here are universally helpful even though the tough situation is very specific (to a couple when one partner had sex with someone else).

It's all about rebuilding trust where it was broken.

Here's my favourite quote from the programme (from part 1):

"It becomes very difficult to hear the other person if we make ourselves wrong for what we did and we make ourselves responsible for their pain.

(...)

It's a very subtle process of recognizing that the pain is the other person's experience. It's related to what you did but it's not caused by it. It's not caused by it because in between what you did and her experience there is the meaning that she makes of it.

(...)

Keep attention on understanding her experience, separating it from you and who you are. (...) You're filtering this through your own pain instead of hearing her. You're hearing the effect this has on you. (Instead) Bring your attention to what she cares about and what she wants."

(Miki Kashtan, the program coach)

The clip summaries are mine, to help you navigate watching.

Part 1/5 (watch it on youtube): hearing another vs defending self

Part 2/5 (watch it on youtube): how to make sense of "betrayal"

Part 3/5 (watch it on youtube): navigating through mistrust + guilt

Part 4/5: (watch it on youtube): raising over self-image as victim

Part 5/5 (watch it on youtube): identifying what's important next

Phew! Delicious days and then some

2011-05-03T21:37:00.008+01:00

Delicious month of May: joy from a beautiful tree...

I need to acknowledge a big gap in posting again. This post has vanished on me after publishing a while ago and only now did I find a way to trace it on Google to republish. Phew!

If you've noticed the pause and felt disappointed, a part of me is sad with you. Another part is grateful for the rich, rich times in my household and work. I'd been busy living and learning, disappointing my writing for a while :)

First week of May, I led a couples' workshop with my partner - our first work collaboration (take a peek here, if interested) - not a small thing to navigate for two sensitives!

Then there was the tail end of the Mercury retrograde. Whether or not you relate to astrology, have YOU been through a patch of things you can usually (more or less) rely on backfiring or "misbehaving" on you (April/May time)? If you have, my tenderness goes with you: to sensitive nervous system this is extra unsettling even if it brings useful new learning as a gift.

This year I managed not to struggle against the awkwardness of it so much and the result was sweet and riveting: tremendous joy of learning on the go. So many times before, I first needed to recover from the shock to the system and the discovery of new possibilities was much slower arriving, so I'm really grateful for whatever it was that enabled me to be more present and receptive in the moment. Hey, maybe it was all the tight wrapping up? :)

Bearing in mind, all the same, that sensitive distress can happen anytime, anywhere however you look after yourself. It's not like I'm "cured", it's not like sensitivity is something to cure. :)

A big part of my recent learning has been to really sink into acceptance of that - as part of a sensitive constitution package, the gift side of which is easy enough to love. I believe we really need to learn not to reject our (or others') fragility. Imagine the benefits of opening the heart to all of who we are and modeling this stance in the world. Since people typically don't do what we say but do what we do, it'd be a huge contribution to everyone. Don't you think?

How about it? Here's to deepening the practice of gentle self-acceptance to all who want it!

Be your own expert: on sensitive experimentation

2011-04-20T17:53:00.014+01:00

My father likes to quip about needing help: "you have to be quite well to be able to handle using the medical system!"

These days, when you have a wellbeing problem there are many systems offering help, apart from the medical model. This is of course good and potentially overwhelming to navigate, both. When you most need help, do you always have resources enough to research the choices, make good decisions, then pay for, face and follow a whole systemic approach?

See my Dad's point?

Before I go on, I must insert a disclaimer here, borrowing a phrase from Gardeners' Question Time:) don't try any of this at home; the choice is entirely yours!

Now, I'd like to tell you a story. The winter of 2004 was one of the toughest times I remember experiencing and it was also a time when I happened to make a winter sarong. It was warm and quite durable (a piece of fleece with decorated edges: see the pic) and I frequently wore it on top of normal clothing, wrapped tight and snug around me, quite high above the waist too. I still have it and use it especially when feeling vulnerable physically or emotionally. I discovered it gives me a lift so I use it purposefully. I even made one for a friend who requested it.

Fast forward a few years and here's what I discover: there's now research confirming that deep pressure applied to the body can be beneficial for brain's "self-regulation" (e.g. in this book). And, there are commercially available products to - pardon the pan - harness this new understanding.

What the sarong experiment has showed me is that it's possible to experience neurological benefit when you need it and within what's doable for you i if you track what feels right for you and apply it. The empowering insight here is that it may may be possible to respond to your needs within your existing circumstances and without undue effort to navigate "official" methods of help, also without the corresponding expense.

Of course this does not contradict the benefits of being supported and held thoroughly by a systemic approach you like and respond well to.

And still, the way I see it (again, you decide for yourself), there's room for self-aware experimentation to respond to your system's requests asap so it doesn't need to go into dis-ease to get your attention.

CONSIDER THIS:

What (harmless!) actions feel good or soothing to you?

Would it support you to apply them more purposefully whenever you're under par or systematically for self-regulation?

What's stopping you from exploring what's good for you?

On compassionate effectiveness

2011-04-15T15:32:00.009+01:00

Do flower petals soothe you? Whatever works!

First, an acknowledgment to regular readers. I am not averaging a post every third day (ten a month) that I was estimating would be the case earlier this year. If you find the current irregular frequency frustrating, please sign up for email subscription? You'll get the new posts as they appear and stay in touch effortlessly. There ARE things in the pipeline I believe are well worth staying in touch for so please stick with me as I'm clarifying the most useful support and guidance I can offer here and in my work.

What I want for myself and other sensitive people is compassionate effectiveness. It needs to be compassionate because we cannot stomach the "maximum output" approach that's still so popular in the culture. We have neither the constitution nor the singlemindedness for it. But, we do need effectiveness, as in the choice to seek and find fulfilment with our needs, our gifts, our life purpose. And that calls for gentle, (sensitive) continuity and accountability. This, for anyone (but for the sensitive especially, in my book) is hard to do without support and companionship.

Which is a BIG part of what I'm wanting this blog to be about.

Where's your need for support and companionship at?

What would you love more encouragement for?

Tell us here!!

How vulnerability leads to power

2011-04-07T13:46:00.010+01:00

I've been spring-cleaning my website and added a mission statement:

"Make peace with your vulnerability

to be effective with your gifts"

This has got to be one of the best kept secrets on the planet, I mean how vulnerability leads to power.

Most people think that to seek support is to be revealed as weak.

Those who do so consciously know that support is really about being reminded that you are powerful already. And, you won't remember this, unless you're vulnerable enough to admit you need support in the first place :)

Most people neglect their needs not to appear selfish.

Few learn that when you deny the wanting, you close the door to receiving and thriving.

Most people hope for safety and respect from appearing "together".

Those who live fully understand that to open to vulnerability is to receive invaluable information about your current state,

what matters most and what's needed next.

Without THAT information, it's hard to create real safety

but you won't get there if you continue pretending...

Oh, how vulnerability leads to power. But it's quite a shift to make peace with your own given the conditioning we start out with.

How will you learn to embrace yours?

How your head can support your state

2011-04-05T21:11:00.010+01:00

"Danger" for some, creative material for others...

I was flying back home after an NVC training in Findhorn, energised from a very inspiring week, when I felt a sudden wave of exhaustion by the baggage collection belt.

"Why is that?", my mind wondered. And as it asked the question, my attention naturally scanned for a possible answer. "Look at that, I'm patrolling the conveyor belt in THREE different places as it rotates." My eyes were getting overtired from the intense scanning at one spot, then the other and then yet another, for a number of minutes.

As I mentally assessed the situation, I could make an easy adjustment to my energy flow within it. I could afford to relax and look softly in just one spot because my bag would pass through it, whichever one I chose, and there was an added safety of the belt rotating in a loop: if missed, my uncollected bag would pass me again in a matter of minutes.

This story resurfaced from memory as an example of the head having the most elegant solution in a situation. If I had enquired with my heart, I could have gone into processing my exhaustion and the overprotective visual scanning habit, tracing it back all the way to my childhood. And just then, I simply wanted to collect my baggage and enjoy the rest of my journey home.

Sometimes, the mental route is indeed the best one. Sometimes it is the heart. Neither is lesser or less useful, it's just that - depending on our background - we may have developed a bias towards trusting one more. If you'd like to look after your energy expenditure though, you'll want to learn to use the most effective rather than the most familiar modes as you navigate your situations, yes?

I loved how Sherwin Nuland appreciated our mental capacity when he said:

"I suspect that I know far more than I think I know, just as we all know far more than we think we know. We know all these words and if we were to sit down with ourselves in a quiet room or just sit with a pencil, extraordinary things would come out. And they would be correct."

What can you ask your head about today to hear something extraordinarily useful back?

Go on, take 10 minutes now, give it a try. Tell me if you appreciated what this did for you.

Loving with your head and heart

2011-04-02T14:32:00.008+01:00

Today, I'd like to play you a beautiful John Martyn song. (If you can't see the clip above, listen on youtube here) but do sit back and enjoy the four minutes of a world where love is a matter of synergy between head and heart and not a battle field pitting one against the other.

Does your being resonate with living and loving this way?

Do you love yourself with your head and heart?

If you wanted to experience kindness to self this way today, what one thing could you do?

I have sooooo much more to say about this combination.

Just warming up. Watch this space :-D

On clearing the way

2011-03-28T23:05:00.011+01:00

Some people's access to home (and heart?) is very clear...

Or at least is seems clear a lot of the time, or we can idealise them for looking that way.

Sensitive connection with home and heart can be... how to describe it, volatile? If I had a pound for every time I've heard a sensitive person despair about this aspect of their psychic constitution (or at least their learning curve), I wouldn't have to worry about money they way I have been recently :)

The issue here, I'm reminding myself as I'm suggesting it to you, is that we tend to scare ourselves witless by judging the benign and fluctuating fragility that is part of us as wrong or weak and then worrying about the consequences of inhabiting a self so interpreted.

I'll let Wayne Muller encourage us in this predicament:

"All healing requires gentleness, attention, and care.

But keep in mind that you need not repair, reconstruct, or remake yourself into someone else.

Your practice is simply to reawaken what is already wise and strong, to claim what is deep and true within you, to rediscover your own intuition, to find your inner balance, and to reaffirm your intrinsic wholeness in the eyes of God.

Everything you will ever need may be found within your own body, heart, and spirit.

Your most difficult task is to believe in yourself."

Simple, right? I'm telling you, it's sooooo much easier with support!

On gentle truth that lives underneath harsh thoughts

2011-03-26T18:30:00.015Z

What's underneath? A friend stretching on the floor says "hello"

One of the reasons I have a lot of tenderness for sensitive people is that - often - they are extra gentle folk battling with extra harsh thoughts. Relatively speaking, of course and no, I haven't got statistics to validate this impression.

Still, what it does inside me is increase my desire for people to have access to elegant, ingenious ways out of emotional pain. Which is why, the other day, I held a group space called "On gentle truth that lives underneath harsh thoughts". Because it does, you know? If you enquire.

I'm here to support sensitive enquiry into self, so give me a shout

if you'd like some companionship in the process.

CONFLICT HOTLINE: help with parenting

2011-03-22T22:37:00.008Z

With thanks to BayNVC organisation for sharing these training programs freely and contributing to peacemaking skills available in the world.

If you cannot see the clips below, I've provided links to watch them on YouTube.

PART 1A/3 Navigating stressful situations with a toddler YouTube

PART 1B/3 Making decisions together for better long term results YouTube

PART 2A/3 When talking with a teenager... YouTube

PART 2B/3 How to get to truth telling and trust building YouTube

PART 3/3 Elements of collaborative relationship with your child YouTube

On books and oracles

2011-03-21T08:26:00.012Z

I had a 3 metre tall bookshelf in my last flat (see above) and this is where I noticed the phenomenon. It was effortless and helpful and I learned to rely on it as one of my sources of insight when needing more clarity or courage. Since and to my surprise, I've come across a word that describes "my phenomenon" so it turns out it is not my "invention" at all. Although it invented itself for me nonetheless. I'm talking about bibliomancy*.

The way it found me was with that tall bookshelf. I lived on my own at the time and it was peaceful enough at home to notice things I guess. What I noticed was that sometimes and for no reason I knew of I found myself looking at one particular book on that wall of books. I'd think to myself: "how funny, why this one, of all others?"

I'd go and pick it up and since they were mostly books I'd read, I'd open it not at the start but randomly, as you say "hi" to a friend. I'd read a phrase or a passage and would be amazed because it'd speak to a wondering or a worry I was just having, that day or week or afternoon, and it would shed light on the predicament. The "fit" would be so good that I welcomed it with gratitude and since there was nobody to see me and judge me for it, I used it freely and... successfully.

I never overdid it, never tried to "test" or "prove" it works with more and more questions. Books have been "friends" for me since childhood and I guess you don't need to test a friend - you take what they do and relate it to what's so for you and you go from there.

Why tell this story today? To celebrate and share a strategy for insight that's supported me and to introduce a new feature on my blog: CS Oracle. (At the moment, it's just under my smiley face in the blog).

I'm calling it "oracle" for fun but what I'm offering is just a format to select a passage of text at random. You can use it to try bibliomancy or to select one post to be inspired by - there's only so much time in a day after all.

If you enjoy the new feature, I'd love to hear from you.

Here's a link to my email page.

______________________________________

* About.com defines bibliomancy as:

"a form of divination wherein a phrase or words will speak to the querent when a random book from a library, bookstore, or book shelf is opened and glanced at. Alternatively, you can choose a sacred text rather than a random book..."

and quotes these steps:

Allow spirit to guide you to the appropriate book (in my "oracle", we hope, it happens as you refresh the page :)
With the book in your hands focus on your desire for guidance.
Ask your question.
Open the book to a random page.
Scan the book with your eyes and an open heart.
Allow the words on the page to speak to you on an intuitive level.
For additional insight, close the book and reopen it for a second scan.

"Reconnecting with compassion"

2011-03-13T15:28:00.007Z

Don't you just love it when a graceful speaker inspires thinking about life that's both kind and effective, meaningful and based in the kind of reality that most people can relate to?

Here's sharing fifteen minutes of expression and encouragement for what's best about being human.

If you experience it the way I have, you'll find joy in both the subject of compassion and the manner in which this presenter relates to it.

If you cannot see the 15 min TED talk below, click here.

On pregnant pause between needing and getting

2011-03-11T20:34:00.012Z

It looks dark and scary in there, yet...

This post compliments the one on

"The counterproductive want of immediacy"

where I wrote about the fear that lives in the space between needing and getting.

Have you noticed just how trying that space is? Especially when you don't register it but are under the influence of the tension (or terror!) that lives there? The more you don't notice, the more you act out from it, instead of responding to it. Your acting out (unconscious reacting) is unpleasant on the receiving end and so it narrows your chances of positive response from those nearby. Without somebody pausing for empathy, things can get more intense than any sensitive would relish.

That pause between needing and getting is as sacred as pregnancy. You need to allow peaceful time to pass too and the less urgency, desperation and stress in that space, the healthier the outcome will be too.

So, when you notice yourself needing something and that something isn't there... and isn't there... and you can't see how it could happen or don't even believe it could...

Pause.

Breathe.

And what if it was okay to take time wanting?

Feel the sensation of the wanting itself in your body, instead of running away with the thoughts spinning in your head. Where is this wanting in your body?

How does it feel, exactly? What is the yearning for?

Allow yourself to be with the feel, the energy of what you're needing and what isn't formed yet.

Don't contract "the womb" of your wanting with stress and strive. Let "the seed" inside you be at peace.

Your job is not to do its growing but to relax in your wanting enough so that your fruit can grow for you, by itself. As most things do, when you think about it.

Sensitive celebrities: WRITER

2011-03-08T12:43:00.020Z

Ursula K. Le Guin

In "Sensitive celebrities" series, I like to acknowledge, learn from and - yes: celebrate people who share the trait of sensitivity and live it well. By this I mean that they must have largely figured out the conundrum of sensitivity: how to take care of sensitive needs in the not so sensitive world sufficiently well to be able to contribute your gifts to that world nonetheless.

Today, I'd like to celebrate Ursula K. Le Guin - one of my most favourite writers of all time and whom Amazon describes as "the one modern science fiction author who truly needs no introduction. In the 40 years since her first publication, her works have changed not only the face, but also the tone and agenda of science fiction."

What gives this writer away as a sensitive? She described herself as "introverted" and said this in her blog:

"I was also put off by the idea that a blog ought to be “interactive,” that the blogger is expected to read people’s comments in order to reply to them and carry on a limitless conversation with strangers. I am much too introverted to want to do that at all. I am happy with strangers only if I can write a story or a poem and hide from them behind it, letting it speak for me."

For me, celebrating successful sensitive people is not about arguing they fit a label. It's about delighting in that combination I love so well: a subtlety of perception and existence on the planet coupled with a power of insight, care and beauty.

And, for our role model tracking purposes, spot how unapologetic and guilt-free Ms Le Guin is about her psychic constitution. She talks from a place of knowing and claiming what she's "happy with". My guess is this is one of the things that liberate her to thrive in her talent.

If you took a leaf from her book, what unapologetic (and non-whining :) version of her sentence would you make to express what empowers you? Finish the sentence below in a way that simply states what works for you:

"I'm happy with......... if ..."

PS. The image above is of Ms Le Guin's newcoming book: The Wild Girls (Outspoken Authors)
I'm salivating!

The paradox of "home truths"

2011-03-04T15:54:00.011Z

Because English is not my mother tongue, sometimes I see it with fresher than the natives' eyes and marvel. It happened again after I used the phrase "home truths" here the other day.

I'm buffled that you'd want to connect the words "home" and "truth/truths" with the concept of "an unpleasant fact about oneself, esp. as pointed out by another person".

And, in another way, it is not surprising: the culture at large still operates under the illusion that shaming leads to positive change.

Any parent or school that believes that, will promote the use of "home truths" to motivate.

Does shame motivate in your experience? I find it crippling, not creating improvement. If it motivates, it does so only in the short run when you strive to cover up "the evidence" including hiding it from yourself. That may look like improvement but it's just a buried mine in the long run. Who'd want those in their life on purpose???

There's growing awareness and research that "shaming" (like "shoulding") doesn't work. Now, that can be motivating: why would you burn energy doing something that is degrading and ineffective? A good point to support your learning to talk to yourself and those you love differently.

The short, fun clip below says the same thing, in this case to women wanting to motivate their man. Enjoy!

If you can't see the clip below, you can watch it on youtube here.

On sense of proportion and detail part 2

2011-02-28T10:27:00.010Z

In touch with what's there? A moment in St David's

Sometimes when I get emails from sensitive friends there's so much detail in them that I feel for the effort it took to type it all out even as I'm touched by the care that informed the choice. Because that's what's behind the awareness and application of sensitive detail: deep care.

Is that not so for you? That you care about what you see and as you see a lot, more than most in fact, you care a great deal too?

This is very beautiful even if you still doubt your goodness in those spiral-down moments... And, it comes with a challenge: how do you live this deep care in a way that doesn't cost you in health, balance or other needs of your own?

The answer has a lot to do with pausing to distinguish between the care you feel and the way that may be doable for you to express that care (i.e. a way without a cost). It doesn't have to be through you doing something to bridge the gap. There's a limit to how many people's strategy you can become and doing is only one way to contribute.

You can do justice to your care by feeling it deeply and being a certain way rather than doing. There are people in this world who devote their whole lives to contributing to the world by being (e.g. a life of contemplation or prayer). Also, the best quality support for emotional needs you're likely to get is centred in presence to what's alive in you, not in chasing solutions. What to do is the last item in the sequence of things when we enquire into a difficulty and often ideas arrive naturally from being with and hearing out what's true inside you.

CONSIDER THIS:

How can you tweak the expression of your care today,

so it's kind to the energy levels you've got?

I'm talking about the real energy levels available to you today,

not what'd you'd wish them to be, given how much you care. :-D

A sense of proportion

2011-02-25T20:11:00.011Z

Not a magnifying glass: a piece of ice from friend's bird bath

A sense of proportion may not be a sensitive person's forte. Elaine Aron notes:

"All the voices are strong. Which one is right?"

Have you experienced overwhelm or paralysis from many directions or multiple details piling up into awareness, confusing rather than clarifying? Do you ever feel mega upset within a mini set up, something most people wouldn't even notice? Would you like something less exhausting than that?

I don't believe getting a sense of proportion is about the "don't be so sensitive, so detailed, so...". That sort of thing simply doesn't work: it's meant well but it only derails dignity for nothing. It alludes to wrongness and therefore stirs up shame and shame as more and more research demonstrates is a contraindication to learning. "Should" just doesn't get.

"What does?", I hear you ask.

Long term, there's learning to manage energy (including brain-care and perception) so you grow clarity in reference to your needs, not your system's fears (e.g. expressed as overwhelm).

In the more immediate term, I recommend finding a way that works for you to drop perception deeper than detail. (Sifting through detail only deepens sensitive distress).

I recommend two ways you can tune into your essence:

1. Express yourself to someone who has empathy skills (deep listening without judging or fixing). When you hear yourself express truthfully, you begin to hear the essence within the detail of what is alive in you. (Experience it for free with me: INFO)

2. Go into stillness in your heart and stay there in openness. I've recently loved using a Sufi meditation to do this and you can find a way that works for you too. Switching from "thinking and doing" to "being still for a chunk of time" will enable the essence within you and your situation to emerge. If you do this regularly, just fifteen minutes a day, you'll experience increase of calm compared to how you are without this.

Let me know if what wonderings this post awakens in you:

A good beginning, not the end of the world

2011-02-24T16:02:00.019Z

Two friendly jackals, just round the corner from my laptop

Have you ever had a depressing or scary thought about yourself? Well, who hasn't, right?

If you're sensitive though, you're likely to - ahem, ahem - sometimes experience an onslaught of these. "A huge amount of jackals", is what a client once called it. ("Jackals" is the word NVC sometimes uses to refer to judgmental thoughts, as a metaphor).

So, is there any good news here?

Yes! It may be a widespread, cultural behaviour to take (automatically occurring) blaming as "truth and the whole truth" but judgments are just thoughts, words, interpretations. Not the end of the world but a beginning of an enquiry into what is true. If you stop to enquire, that is!

Think about it. Take for example the typical "you're too sensitive" line that you can hear from others or inside your head. What does it even mean? Too sensitive compared to whose standard?? You mean someone knows the "just right" level of sensitivity for everyone and for you? How can this be true? If we don't pause enough to wonder what's underneath the surface of criticising words, we're left with is a sense of shame for inadequacy the words allude to but don't begin to resolve. Humans don't learn when criticised.

"Stop and enquire, you say?"

Yes. I recommend stopping to look for what's really there. Not the surface condemnation that's of no constructive use but the deeper layer of meaning: what is the something that my system (body, mind, spirit) is asking for here? What need lives within these words? To use today's example: do I need support so I don't end up stressed out in the situation, or maybe I need rest. Perhaps I long for acceptance and respect for my constitution/temperament? And if the words come from another person, what are they needing when they utter that criticism (that's so unlikely to satisfy anyone)?

Seen this way, judgment becomes a wonderful beginning because it opens the way to fulfillment through enquiry INSTEAD of burning energy inside spirals of shame and reaction (See recent post).

CONSIDER THIS:

How can you experience this kind of self-understanding?

What mini-practice could you set up to replace your

"end of the world" conclusions with

the adventure of growing, positive self-understanding?

It's easy to get lost... and found!

2011-02-18T15:25:00.007Z

Current display in my practice room

I listened to two women today and it was a profound joy. Because both were the kind of person I like working with best. The kind of person who knows or strongly suspects that there's beauty, wholeness and wisdom inside them and who just needs support to get in touch with it again.

In the middle of a healing wave it's easy to lose your bearings completely and not have access to that sense of perspective. The territory may look very scary indeed and it's a space hugely vulnerable to pronouncements of pathology: or - in professional speak - to diagnoses. Here's a thing: the recovery can be as quick as the chasm seemed deep - as long as our company doesn't lose a sense of perspective on wholeness and judge us with us! If we are heard and not judged, we find our way back to connection with self, life and others and have a new self-understanding to show for it. If we have someone's non-judging presence, that is, someone who'll see our self-judgment as judgment, not reality. If our company gets that fears while lost are not "home truths"*, we find ourselves again, no probs. This is how it should be.

The second of the women I spoke to today told me a story about visiting a therapist someone recommended. Ten minutes into the session, he was still talking about himself and his modality and hadn't made any attempt to see her. She marveled why people would recommend him to others. Did they get so impressed with his "art" that they welcomed it instead of receiving healing presence? She was surprised he was surprised when she said at the end of the session that she wasn't going to ask him to support her. There's instinct inside us that senses where we will be seen without judgment and we don't open fully unless it's there.**

And if, as a sensitive person is prone to, you worry about getting lost too often? Well, don't you get found just as easily, given non-judgmental presence?

I'll leave you with Rumi who so beautifully points out the dynamic of getting lost and found:

"From the hundreds of times I lost the connection,
I learn this:
Your fragrance brings me back"

___________________

* I'd like to write more about "home truths" soon.

** Sometimes we open and get hurt.

There's learning about self-care in that.

When we get scared and react

2011-02-14T22:11:00.017Z

Spiral paving in Oxford Botanical Gardens

"A spiral down", a friend once called it, the way she'd see herself caught up in reacting to something without first noticing she was, and then descending into panic and despair very quickly as scary, depressing thoughts started multiplying. The growing complexity mostly a result of the initial protective reaction and the thoughts that came flying from it, not the original trigger! Yet very easily done - ever cornered yourself in that way? When I unpack my triggers, that's what I see time and time again.

In "Parenting from the Inside Out" the authors describe this as:

"an avalanche of feelings and defences"

"a cascade of defences erupts against that feeling of shame"

"a torrent of old patterns of response that serve to keep shame hidden from our conscious minds"

Looking at these phrases, there's a clue to our big fears and big reactions and the word is shame. We think we're protecting ourselves from a bad situation but really we're trying to cover up a vulcano of inner shame that erupts in us at those times and makes us feel like we may die inside from it.

Have you ever slowed down your reactions, even for a moment, to experience that eeky sensation rather than just fight from it? I did, the other day and it was like a scolding, stinging squirm inside, like a hot potato I wanted to just get rid of. Still, my feeling it allowed me not to erupt into reaction just then and new options opened inside. Today, I experienced a different reality find me as a result.

Why is it so hard to feel instead of reacting?

I heard Miki Kashtan say in her 2009 workshop:

"The fear is always not about what will happen outside

but that I might not be able to survive it inside."

So, two questions emerge:

1. How can we slow down enough to feel the sensation rather than erupt from it and start a cascade of reactions/thoughts that are in themselves a problem? What's your way to "stop and sense" rather than "react and regret"?

If you haven't got a way yet, why not design a test way and experiment with it for a couple of weeks? You're bound to learn something new and useful about yourself.

2. What do you do with shame? Let's investigate it more soon.

CONFLICT HOTLINE: YES & NO AT WORK

2011-02-12T14:24:00.010Z

With thanks to BayNVC who've created the Conflict Hotline program, here're more role plays to illustrate possible ways to influence your interactions with people so that they are more satisfying all round.

The examples are set within the context of the workplace (both for bosses and employees) but the aspects of communication skills demonstrated here are quite universal. Really worth watching to support you in conversations where there's a decision to be made or something specific to achieve.

If you can't see the clips in your inbox, I've added links to watch them on youtube. Just click on (watch) at the end of each introduction line.

Part 1a of 3 When not to take "yes" for an answer: (watch)

PART 1b of 3 From power over to collaborative effectiveness (watch):

PART 2a of 3 When we so want to say "yes, but..." (watch):

PART 2b of 3 How to pace an interaction so it works well (watch):

PART 3 of 3 "We already tried that" (watch)

On navigating fear

2011-02-04T13:01:00.019Z

Four jets have flown overhead...

I come round from a bit of a writer's block with a post on dynamics of fear. You know, that thing that makes you freeze, panic or react instead of responding? No, no, fear does not do that. Uninterrupted, fear is just a sensation (read more here). However, unconscious protecting against the fear that's in us in the moment, well, that can create far more suffering than any scary situation itself. Were you taught at school how to navigate your reactions in difficulty? I know I wasn't even though some days we had 7 hours worth of lessons.

Have you picked that lesson up yourself somewhere along the way?

For example, do you know your version of protecting against fear?

Is it typically fight or flight? Or is it freeze/numb out? Or maybe get busy or seek oblivion?

How do you care for yourself when scared and what do you do long term to expand your options in tricky moments?

I'd like to spend a few posts on this fascinating and vitally important topic. Anything in particular you'd like to explore with me about it? Please comment or email.

On opening to what's possible

2011-01-31T19:39:00.009Z

Looking up, on the last day of January, in Oxford

I cut my own hair. I didn't use to: only hairdressers can do that, right?

Well, on a workshop I attended, there was a woman with hair so delightful and so fabulous for her face that I actually went over to express my appreciation. (Seeing beauty has an uplifting effect on me). The woman told me, surprised, that she cut her own her simply, as the mood struck, in front of a mirror. Suddenly, cutting your own hair (and beautifully!) became a possibility in my world.

Now, that lady was an artist and braver than me so I didn't dare have a go myself until I got a hairdresser friend to give me a few tips on technique and tools. As a result, for two years now, I have lived without salon stress - free from attempts to inflict the latest fad on my head and free from the price you're asked for the "privilege" :-D

As you can guess this post is not really about cutting your own hair. This strategy is perfect for me and might not do much for you at all. The part of the story that I trust may have a more universal appeal is about how mindset can limit our possibilities unless something happens to expands it. Yes, it often takes coming across someone who's done it!

CONSIDER THIS:

What's longed for yet "impossible" in your world right now?

What would happen if you found somebody who's managed to do it, in similar to yours circumstances?

In these days of google, expanding a mindset through inspiration from real people is very doable. The trick is to have a go:

"We have to be willing to let go of 'that's just the way it is', even if just for a moment, to consider the possibility that there isn't a way it is or way it isn't. There is the way we choose to act and what we choose to make of circumstances."

Lynne Twist

On encouragement within

2011-01-28T11:18:00.008Z

Will those two make friends?

I've been wondering (as part of my "passions running high" day), why it is that it hurts sooo bad when somebody is saying untrue things about us. The closer we are to that person emotionally, the more it hurts. Why?

The thing is, there's always a gift in a situation, somewhere. When it hurts, we are more motivated to do something about it, for example. Have you noticed?

When I sat down to focus this situation, I came across an image of a lion who grew up in a flock of sheep, believing he was one himself. The caption read "Conditioning" and one of the sentences in the write up about it said this:

"Many of us are like this lion - the image we have of ourselves comes not from our own direct experience but from the opinion of others."

The implication was bittersweet: my system was not taking others' opinions about me as fact but I was also feeling helpless and scared:

I wasn't connected to who I was inside sufficiently enough to be clear and confident about who I am. Whatever somebody may say.

When I set out to explore that, this time with a Bay NVC process called "Layers of Self-Connection", I found a beautiful inner ground to stand on and respond from. I'm hugely grateful: my clarity about me opened the door to compassion for the person who got so scared of me. From this place, we may yet get somewhere sweet together.

Does this account speak to you in any way?

How do you connect to the strength and beauty

of the human truth inside of you when you need it?

Tell us your favourite way via comments?

For some, it's difficult to believe beauty or goodness is even there.

It is. And, we all need another "lion" to support us sometimes.

Let me know, if I can journey with you to a place

where you can see yourself and

be encouraged by what you see.

CHECK HOW IT WORKS HERE

Awaiting sweeter times

2011-01-27T17:50:00.007Z

Frost covered strawberry plants awaiting warmer times

Wow, how cold it is outside today in my part of the UK.

How hot it can be inside when passions run high...

And, still, there's always the option to:

Let go of obsessing about "what's wrong" with the other.

Start connecting with the sweetness of what's important to you.

Your needs are beautiful and strong.

Pour your attention and love there.

On inner work

2011-01-20T15:40:00.006Z

Winter moon above Boscombe Gardens, Bournemouth

This morning in a group I was taking part in a poem was read that sparked off a conversation about inner work. We pondered on that work at times seeming "hard" and wondered about motivation.

Where do you find encouragement to keep up the good spirits?

Tonight, I open a notebook on another poem that has taught me something about perseverance in that place and I'll share it with you for companionship. For those moments when it's sooo tempting to give up on the possibility of accessing love, meaning or joy:

"Be courageous and

discipline yourself.

Work.

Keep digging your well.

Don't think about

getting off from work.

Water is there somewhere.

Submit

to a daily practice.

Your loyalty to that

is a ring on the door.

Keep knocking,

and the joy

inside

will eventually

open a window

and look out

to see who's

there."

Rumi

"Make a difference with what you have"

2011-01-18T22:50:00.011Z

My style cosiness: beauty on a shoestring (2 years ago)

As a follow up to last post, I want to quote a favourite sentence by Elaine N. Aron:

"There's really very little that you can't do

if you find a way to do it in your own style."

This approach is a completely different from blaming yourself or others just because you can't meet human needs the way others do. The way those with more money do. The way those who seem happy do. The way those whose partner does not say mean words to them do. You get the picture.

CONSIDER THIS:

It takes some doing to change how we direct attention, to pull it away from relief by blaming and towards replenishment by brainstorming. But, imagine the benefits of inventing a mini daily practice to learn it.

Such as, 7 minutes a day to ask your intelligence this: (and stay still until an answer appears):

"What's the first, doable way I can connect to the energy of .....

(self-respect, love, tenderness, rest, etc)

right now, within my circumstances as they are?"

Lynne Twist's style is:

"Make a difference with what you have"

Good even if very different

2011-01-17T17:15:00.012Z

An egalitarian sculpture at the Bristol Zoo...

Yes, that's where I recently visited with friends and their children. I came back not only with my inner child enchanted but also with a renewed confidence in the choice to identify and live one's own style of living and meeting needs.

Can you guess which of the creatures really caught my attention? Well there was more than one but I want to tell you about "hanging out" with sloths. What magnificent creatures! When you look carefully and feel into their movement, you see it's incredibly purposeful, embodied and effective. They can be very fast when they need to and most times they choose to be slow. I can't help imagining that sloths must live in bliss!

Yet, look at us humans: we can judge even that. We've taken this animal's name and use it to refer to "the bad habit of being lazy and unwilling to work" (Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary). Spot the "fast is good", "slow is lazy" social bias. Does the sloth not do what it needs to do in its life? But it's so hard for humans to not be scared by ways that are very different to ours. How can we graduate beyond judging the different as lesser or wrong?

CONSIDER THIS:

Where, in your choices of how it's possible for you to do things do you employ an external perspective of people who live differently?

Do you judge your ways as bad for being different?

Could you find the goodness inside your choice even if others would not understand it and judge it harshly?

What need is your choice looking after?

It may be that you judge your choices yourself if they don't quite get around meeting all of your important needs. Be sure though to distinguish between the goodness of your intention and the fact that you're still learning to match your choices to your needs.

It's possible to be good and to be learning good ways at the same time :-D

A call for self-compassion

2011-01-15T16:17:00.009Z

Imagine self-compassion was as easily signpostable...

And if it were, what's that island we're to go around?

"And if you cannot love the situation,

it is vitally important and even more essential

that you love yourself

in your state of not being able to love the situation."

Eileen Aron, p 58

What do you imagine this means?

What does it mean to love yourself, to be compassionate to yourself within a tough situation?

It's got to be a saner option than compounding difficulty with self-torment on top of being in pain.

But what could the reminder to do it look like?

What helps you remember self-compassion when you need it most?

What could help you practice choosing compassion as a way of life?

What's YOUR relationship with vulnerability?

2011-01-13T17:48:00.003Z

Today I want to share an inspiring TED talk on the meaning and necessity of vulnerability.

Yes, that thing that most of us would rather not have. And yet...

Listen to this and check how it relates to your story about vulnerability, love and belonging.

In case you can't see the clip below, watch it here.

How do you do rest?

2011-01-10T11:23:00.007Z

Mr Zebra and Ms Bear sharing a restful moment...

Admitedly, a little later than I said and hoped for, here's the piece on creative ways of meeting a human need for rest. After all, less than delightful experiences often result from a shortage of imagination of how we could meet a particular need within our circumstances. Perspective we can do something about here, though. Yes?

So let's share and celebrate ways that are working for you already. How do you do rest when you can allow it? I'd love to hear (via comments underneath or email if you'd rather) what strategies you've developed that really give you a sense of being rested and readier for things as a result. Or maybe you have a wondering about the human need for rest you'd like to air? Please express either here!

A favourite way I've evolved experimentally and proven very soothing for me is to lie on my back in bed and hold one hand on my heart and one on my belly. There's no more doing to it than that except that my intention is to be with myself the way I'd be with an innocent, gentle baby. That kind of presence: acceptance, gentleness, benefit of the doubt, if you wish. If you've ever held a baby in your arms and melted... you'll know what I mean. And, although I guess most of you dear readers haven't tried this YET, you can imagine that it's quite delightful and restful to experience. Beats vegging out in front of the screen somewhere and really balances out the trying, striving, rushing or worrying I get up to still more often than I'd like...

So, over to you now. Try this one and tell us about it and/or describe the way you've found works for you if you want to rest and replenish?

New Year musings

2011-01-03T14:49:00.008Z

Icicle moment in my ice-cold village, about a month ago...

Hello from this side of the winter festivities and how are things with you today, sweet reader?

Typing in my healing room, back against the radiator, I'm peaceful and cosy myself and extend this vibe to you too should you like the sound of it right now.

No New Year resolutions to announce (I find March a more natural month for renewal initiatives :-) but I would like to include you in my musings on Celebrating Sensitivity in 2011.

First of all, wanting to focus on quality above quantity on this blog, I'd like to shift to ten posts a month instead of the fifteen I've been running for the last six months. I think you may well enjoy the new theme that has already emerged from the spaciousness this change creates. Once a week, for the whole year, I plan to explore how sensitive people go about meeting a particular human need. The series starts later this week with "How do you do... rest?" and I'm hoping to stimulate a rich exchange of ideas on doable, helpful, creative ways on restoring ourselves with rest.

My other insight is that I'd like to make 2011 the year I specialised in serving sensitivity. I long to work with the sensitive much more than so far and to evolve what I offer so that it truly makes a difference to the peoples I love. How would you like to contribute to this dream with a 5 minute call with me some time in January?

For anyone interested, I'm offering a free 60 minute empathy session (via skype or phone) to say thank you for your participation! If you're not sure what I mean by an empathy session try me anyway: you're likely to experience soothing and supportive listening and that's got to count for something :-D If you'd rather answer my questions by email, please contact me with yours and I'll send them over.

Finally, for anyone who's ever felt sensitive and lonely, I'll spill the beans on my exciting plans: I'm working to create an online sensitive companionship group. I have great faith in this project, so watch this space for more info soon.

Hey, happy 2011, Everybody!!!

On mum and dad love

2010-12-29T19:34:00.007Z

Both yin and yang energy are needed in the world...

Have you ever been in a touchy, tearful mood without a clear sense why? I mean apart from hormonal reasons?

I woke up this morning in such a space, something a homeopath would prescribe pulsatilla remedy for, and - with my partner's help - realised that what I was longing for was tenderness, not unlike a kid's pining for mum's loving attention.

It got me thinking and so I want to include you into my exploration: would you say that we have "mum's love needs" and "dad's love needs"? Or, better still, "yin energy needs" and "yang energy needs"?

This is not to re-invent the wheel when it comes to universal human needs. I'm asking because this metaphor may be very helpful in tracking needs in a balanced way.

Culturally, many people have been taught to value "yang" aspects of life more than "yin" and as a result overdo things like work, expression or movement and struggle with allowing enough rest, reception or stillness. Or, you may suffer from an imbalance that originated with one of your parents not being able to model one type of love (or a particular set of needs) for you. In this case, it might support you to track that quality purposefully in your adult life. (To view a sample list and my write up on human needs, click here.)

One way I heard needs summed up is that people long to give and receive love. Do you think that remembering to keep an eye on the balance between "active" and "receptive" needs may support your functioning and overall satisfaction?

SOME POINTS FOR REFLECTION:

Which needs are you comfortable with and good at meeting?

Which needs are you most often at odds with?

If you took 5 minutes just now, what unique to you, doable daily practice would you design to look after the balance of needs in your life?

On stillness...

2010-12-28T16:15:00.009Z

The muted, restful quality of light in my village...

Gentle hello again and hope your "legal rest" during festivities went alright for you :-D

And, in case you needed encouragement to allow the quality of stillness to linger, here it is in the words of Ram Dass, the famous spiritual teacher:

"For an ounce of doing good,

you need a pound of sitting still."

In other words, by Emma of Tao of Prosperity (thank you for this!):

"We are not flawed.

We do not need to push ourselves or prove our worth.

Our essential nature is already good.

We are already enough."

Self-care for inner dilemmas (CONFLICT HOTLINE role plays from Bay NVC)

2010-12-23T13:34:00.010Z

In case you'd like to take some time out from festivities and access care and understanding for yourself, here's sweet support.

With appreciation and thanks to Bay NVC for producing the program and demonstrating how options can expand when we take time to listen to ourselves in times of inner distress.

Have soft, easy time of it at Christmas and I'll catch you early next week!

If you can't see the four clips, click here to watch them on youtube.

PART 1/4 WHEN A PART OF YOU ISN’T GETTING HEARD:

PART 2/4 HOW TO DEAL WITH THE INNER “YES, BUT…”:

PART 3/4

PART 4/4

Easily delighted, easily hurt

2010-12-22T10:59:00.019Z

My reason to be cheerful, the other day

An exchange I took part in recently went as follows:

"This is one of the things I love about you: you're so easy to delight"

"Yeah," I replied. "And, I'm very easy to hurt, both."

Does this have resonance for you as you contemplate the approaching holiday?

For me, this mini exchange illustrates what sensitivity is about:

a relatively fine tuned perception and functioning.

One approach people take to sensitivity is to analyse, compare or judge what it means, perhaps trying to find ways to "upgrade" it to what Margaret J. Wheatley calls "a fictitious standard of normal". Another approach, perhaps a more hopeful route to wholeness and peace, would be to shift where you pay attention, not who you are.

So, during the holidays, instead of trying to dismiss or defend your delicate feelings, why not give them your caring attention and let them guide you towards the sensitive delight of accessing inner peace?

Classical NVC "check in" can help you connect to yourself.

It's simple to do but the trick is to remember to take a moment!

If you get wobbled, put your hand on your heart and check:

* How am I really, right now? (body? breath? emotions?)

* What do I need: rest? stimulation? fresh air? food? ...?

* What's the first doable step towards that right now?

Winter Solstice Wishes

2010-12-21T18:22:00.004Z

Why is this view so deeply moving to me? Do you find it meditative?

Winter Solstice goodwill and peaceful wishes to all readers.

May kindness to self and skillful love to those in your life be yours.

Peace and passion, be yours.

Gentleness and effectiveness be yours.

Good light and wise darkness be yours.

Both, and more.

Longing for peace within imperfection?

2010-12-17T22:30:00.017Z

Snow silences the air outside the window...

Are you looking forward to the "legal" peace during the holiday?

I've been listening again and again to Thomas Otten's music that so expresses connection with stillness for me and wondering why there's sooo much tension around right now instead. Are you feeling it "in the air" like I am?

Far from going into the distraction of explaining it, I'd like to enquire about a good way to respond to the imperfection of it. I'm talking about the season being about slowing down and the culture going for extra busy. I'm talking about whatever other opposition you may be compressed in the middle of right now. Have you got a way of caring for yourself within the discrepancy?

After several days of struggling with it, I finally remember what matters to me most at times such as this: compassion towards self within the tension instead of resistance towards things that only add more stress on top.

If this distinction appeals to you too, then the question becomes: how do you access compassion towards yourself within whatever your circumstances are right now? Here's one way:

1. Make out like you follow skype motto: "Take a deep breath". A few are even better!

2. Slowly finish this sentence so it's true for you:

"Right now, I'd so loooove ..... (say what need you'd love to be meeting) and I feel gentle towards myself for where I am right now, both. There's nothing wrong with me for wanting what I want. There's nothing wrong with me for being where I am. Peace is possible. I welcome gentle peace."

Here's to kindness to everything that is and that includes you!

The festival of connection?

2010-12-16T13:16:00.008Z

Liked my last year's winter decoration enough to preserve its image...

How are you doing in the busy-everywhere pre-Christmas time?

If you're wondering how it's going to work out with people you'll be with around the holiday, I recommend watching some of the Bay NVC role plays on compassionate navigating for Christmas situations.

You can see any of the 10 minute clips HERE.

Tenderness, not fix-it

2010-12-13T12:41:00.018Z

Close up to a friend's drive. Luckily, not all was fixed in cement.

At a group I attended recently a request was made for a session on dealing with pain of a loved one. It's particularly challenging, that, isn't it? Especially the pain you cannot do much about in the moment.

The session that resulted in my group revealed that the key challenge was dealing with the pain that came up in response inside the person whose loved one was in pain. Oh, the things we tell ourselves at such times: ouch! It would seem that the path to dealing with a loved one's pain goes through attending to our own first!

Do you have trusted ways to attend to your own pain? What helps you stay present and kind to yourself when in turmoil? Don't want to be "selfish"? Do it to spare your loved one from added distress!

I mean it. How do you not add to the pain of a loved one with guilt for being okay yourself? How do you not "steal the show" with anxiety that you may not be okay anymore given the situation? And what's actually useful to receive for the person who is in pain we cannot do much about in the moment?

From the memory of times of being inside such pain, I'll share what I longed to be able to say transparently:

If it is that you cannot give me tenderness right now,

please take care of yourself instead.

When I can barely hold myself,

I experience your attempts to fix me as added distress.

Find tenderness, to me or yourself, both if you can!

Do you recognise what I'm talking about here?

On sensitivity and parenting

2010-12-12T18:41:00.010Z

Centred support makes a huge difference...

It is with care that I'm writing on this topic not being a parent myself. And, I have been a sensitive child who went on to consciously study sensitivity and sensitive self-care so I have some things to contribute. Today I want to say this: one of the most wonderful things you can do for a sensitive loved one is to attend to your own self-care. There's no doubt about it in me.

How come, I hear you ask? One of the best things my mum has ever given me was not something she did for me but something circumstances led her to do for herself.

When I was a teenager, my mum had a nervous breakdown and spent a few weeks at a retreat centre. When she came back, she had an authentic, relaxed smile on her face which I will never forget. Up untill that point I had suffered a lot of despair about positive solutions for my family not being even possible. Far from being helpful, my mum's anxiety added to my stress (and as a sensitive, perceptive child I knew when she was anxious whether or not she admitted it). When her body and mind relaxed, something in me was uplifted too. I gained hope and a model of better possibilities to aspire to. Many things my mum told me where good I didn't have much attraction to but yoga became irresistible to me because that's one of the things she had done at the retreat centre that relaxed her.

I imagine that parents are often under huge cultural and inner pressure to put their children's welfare first. My experience suggests a variation to this stance could bring a deeper, all round benefit. I'm saying, love your child deeper by being nurtured yourself first. The nurtured, more centred you provides presence your child can relax in. For a sensitive being, that's big. Parental sacrifice does very little in comparison!

What does this touch in you, dear reader?

On tending to prickliness

2010-12-09T20:56:00.008Z

Many a thorny situation can be resolved with a bit of warmth...

Following the thread of what's difficult to open the heart to, I'd like to look at tending to prickliness. I say "tending to prickliness" rather than "dealing with it" because I want to extend our care to the human being behind the prickliness as well as to our difficulty with them. Take a moment to choose somebody in your life who brings that kind of energy right now so you can relate to the topic. Wait! Have you got one? I'd like to walk you step by step through a mini process. Scroll down if you have 10 - 15 minutes available to try it out.

Ok, thank you if you've found a specific situation. So, a key reason why it's difficult to open the heart to prickly words or conduct is that it can easily touch something personal in us. And so we close the heart to avoid that pain. Possible? Well, have a look for yourself.

1. Remembering the prickly example you selected, what self-protecting thoughts have you got coming up about that person (or yourself)? I'm asking you to identify and write down any judgments you may have here, any critical assessments about this person or their action. Let this be a starting point in this enquiry.

(When you think about it, the self protective thoughts we have are the more likely cause of our heart closing than any prickly behaviour itself. If we weren't somehow challenged personally, we could afford compassion. We could think, instead, "Poor soul! Must be in a lot of pain to be saying this/doing this. What can I do for them?"

2. OK. So now check for your state. As you think the first heart-closing thought, what feelings are evoked for you? I mean, what emotional or body sensations are you experiencing? This could also be numbness or frozenness, instead of "live" sensations. Take your time, sense what's there. Record it in your journal to anchor the process. Repeat step 1-2 separately for each of the thoughts you listed in step 1.

3. Great! So with this neurological/body information communicating in your system, something must be important to you here. What is it? What is so precious to you that you thought those thoughts and felt those feelings? This is the core of this enquiry so linger here! Stay inside your heart, inside things that matter to you that the prickly behaviour stimulated your awareness of. What do you care about deeply here? Your original thought/judgment will be a big clue: what would you like instead? Is it warmth? Love? Gentleness in human connection? Being seen/considered/understood/wanted? (If you're struggling with this step, use this list as a "heart-prompter" As you skim, your body will tell you which of those things it's after!) Record this step too, perhaps adding a symbol, a doodle or a picture to mark its importance to you?

4. Now, this may not be the end of the enquiry for you. However, now you've opened your heart to the things that really matter to you, do you imagine you have even a little bit of previously-not-present-curiosity about what may be going on inside the heart of your "prickly person"? If you were to guess what they may have been hoping for underneath their prickles, what would you say? Is it possible to access some compassion for them now? And what if you imagine that they may have been despairing because they didn't even know how to hope for that thing?

5. If you've got this far in your enquiry, how do you imagine this could affect a potential conversation you might have with your "prickly person" now?

6. Have you gained any insights from going through steps 1-5? What are they? I'd love to hear some (via comments box) if you were willing to share with our sensitive celebrants!

Here's to tenderness for human prickles or icicles!

And what if love...

2010-12-08T19:11:00.002Z

Tried some of these rosehips: they were delicious!

I've been having this wondering about love... A popular take on it, for example in a song by Duffy, quantifies love as something you want to secure enough of. What presumably follows is that you can be unhappy if you don't have enough love. The "more is better" social myth seems to have penetrated the context of emotional wellbeing too but what if love is not an amount of anything?

And what if love is not something you earn, deserve, find or lose either?

What if love, like life, is underneath and within and behind everything?

I mean, what if???

Time and again I see it, when I sit with a client and support them to unravel the knots that bind, that what's in the middle is misunderstanding, not malice. Fullness, not lack. Life wanting to live, not something to judge evil. And still, in the moment of trigger, we dread, doubt or deny...

And what if that's only love trying to exist too?

PS. For clarity, when I say "love" I don't mean a feeling or emotion. Rather, like Dr Rosenberg, I see it as a universal quality that we thrive on connecting with. A human need? Our core component? Our greatest adventure? You tell me!

On heart chillers and melters

2010-12-05T12:32:00.009Z

A regal beech tree in my village (see its summer look here)

A recent group experience reminded me of the mapping out I started recently, namely of things that can easily chill the heart. Deep down, everybody wants to be loved and welcome so these things are worth clocking on account on their being counterproductive to connection. Not that I'm judging these things as bad - that's never helpful. Instead, I want to remember that when I'm in one of these states, I'm unlikely to be received well and could do with processing my feelings and understanding my needs before attempting communication.

Let me know if you have any additions to the two lists here.

Things that are likely to chill the recipient's heart and so close doors (unless they have empathy skills and apply them; currently this is nowhere near majority of western population):

= blaming words or thoughts (silent blame can often be sensed!)

= criticising words or thoughts

= "prickly", "hard to get", "don't need you" attitude

= expressing unhappiness via complaining; acting a victim

= emotional intensity which the owner is not aware of and/or not taking care of (possibly includes one of the above behaviours)

= "stealing the show" - keeping directing conversation to myself whatever the person says

Conversely, some things that are likely to melt the heart (and so open doors) are:

* revealing vulnerability with ownership (revealing feelings and longings without blame or "shoulds")

* "naked", owned expression of fear, shame or longing (especially if in context of what is precious to us that gives rise to these feelings)

* free yet considerate expression of joy, delight, laughter, etc.

* authentic interest in another person (giving them space to speak and attention to what they say)

* care to pay attention to where the other person is as well (e.g how much they can take in, if it's a good time for them, what is important to them)

On social choices

2010-12-04T16:19:00.003Z

A winter morning perspective...

Which of these phrases best describes where you focus your attention most in your social interactions?

Me, not you

You, not me

You or me

You and me

Whatever your choice, your current reality or paradigm, you chose it for a very good reason: to meet human needs.

Why not stop for a moment and check: which needs is your current social "rule" meeting? Which needs is it not meeting as it is? What innovation could you go for to include care for the needs you're currently not getting round to? Who could you ask for support or inspiration as you take that step?

On uncomfortable yet hopeful squirming

2010-12-03T16:45:00.009Z

Spot the bird on the fence in my garden...

I had a marketing meeting today with somebody I hope to really support my work to be available in the world. And I found myself squirming several times when he gently reflected my limiting beliefs back to me. Ouch and at last!

Because - who said it? - you cannot change what you cannot see and not having had companionship for my marketing efforts before now, I haven't much looked into my enemy images in that area.

Tell me if this is different for you, but I grew up with - as Michael Ventura once put it - "the sophisticated error of thinking that a negative voice is automatically smarter than a positive voice".

The consequence - something I'm working to step by step undo - is that when in doubt or facing the unknown, that negative voice is the first on the scene to contribute to my perspective. It may wish me well, to be safe and all, but I'm also hearing that "lucky people are open to new experiences in their lives." * You and me know that negative (read: frightened/protected) people probably aren't.

Here's to getting off that fence and stepping into what matters next!

What new direction matters to you now?

How will you support yourself if counterproductive enemy images come up?

________________

* Dr Richard Wiseman, p. 57

The dynamic space between the light and the dark

2010-11-29T19:18:00.014Z

Oh boy, it's freezing outside! Here in South West England, that is.

More reflection inspired by my recent group work. There was talk of "light" and "dark" there too. The contrasting words that were used were "highs and lows" or "pain and joy". There's been a wondering whether we get equal amount of both in life, whether this is how life "works".

I believe that the participant who raised the question found not an answer but a more user-friendly way to enquire: a shift away from quantifying and towards connecting with what matters. An "am I happy enough?" became a "what really matters to me now?"

For me, I was reminded of the third space that exists alongside and in between anything that we may call dark or light. This is the dynamic space where your system (body, emotions, soul, any aspect of you) is moving from painful/unfulfilled/asking state of being towards the one of being expressed/lived/breathed/cared for. Think landing your tired, sleepy head on a soft, clean pillow. Think getting into a wonderful soak for your achy muscles. Think being held in friendly arms while sobbing your heart out and you'll get what I'm talking about.

This third space, (the term dynamic balance comes to mind) is different from emptiness and different from fullness: not yin nor yang but a mutually respectful and inclusive dance between the two. And for me, this can be sweeter than anything else for it allows me access to appreciation of life and everything in it.

Just plain sailing would not do it. Let's welcome all of the ride?

Some beauty...

2010-11-28T17:10:00.010Z

The sun sets on the end of this week's group & Come to Life Barn

And so, we've come to life together and now the group participants have gone to their own lives and loves.

There was a particularly beautiful, winter afternoon light today as we had our last session. Some beauty is unique to winter times, have you noticed? Some gifts are received in darker times and some of the most profound learning too.

Here's to courage, hope and revelation.

A different you is a different world

2010-11-26T23:30:00.006Z

In sharp, sunny autumn air...

For the second time this week, since I'm pressed for time assisting a group, I'll share only a succinct note relating to what I've been working with here at the Come to Life Barn. It's a celebration of how we change the world around us by transforming enemy images within us. A different, more open and peaceful you, invites and experiences a different more open and peaceful world.

It's that simple and that profound.

Safety and sanity

2010-11-23T16:43:00.008Z

A rock with face in Oxford Botanical Gardens

Started a five day group today with one courageous participant revealing a potentially scary truth to us. We were so moved to be trusted with it and with the pain that accompanied it. Many people spoke it. And for me, I was struck by how safe and sane I felt being part of the experience.

Could it be that safety and sanity are not so much about what actually happens as about how human experience is received or responded to?

Something to do with empathy and compassion and companionship?

Candle in the hand?

2010-11-20T13:52:00.022Z

I've heard the phrase "candle in the hand" twice from different sources recently and the image of it is also there in the display I've had for a while in my practice room (see pic) so my curiosity comes up and wonders about the symbology of this.

A picture I retained from an old Rumi calendar has a mandala and a line from his poem:

"When someone asks what there is to do, light a candle in their hand."

(I found the whole poem here)

The other mention (frustratingly, I can't track where I came across it!) is a contrast between looking for "the light at the end of the tunnel" and "lighting a candle in the hand" right where you are. I guess the author meant to argue the latter as better but if you know me at all, you'll know my suggestion would be to go for BOTH options, as appropriate (instead of merely swapping options because of the limitation of "either/or" aka "right/wrong" thinking).

What do you reckon it means - lifestyle wise - to light a candle in the hand?

Trying to guess, to unpack the metaphor, I see bringing light into the moment in the form of presence or respectful insight into the difficulty, doubt or dread somebody might be experiencing. A being light or a doing light, if you wish. Light into darkness, though, is a metaphor I want to be very careful about because too often it means venerating whatever we mean by light and condemning whatever we judge as dark. Too much violence has resulted from that kind of thinking and I know I wouldn't want anyone to light that kind of candle in my hand!

Don't you feel the difference though? One interpretation offers support as means to saving you from something the offerer is anxious about or judges as "dark"/wrong/inadequate/shameful. The other way offers you presence, space or perspective so you see you and make your choices from there. Which would you rather have?

Of course, in reality there's a whole spectrum of options between these two and our best learning may be about traveling from one end of it towards the other.

Have you got a way of taking care of fear so that you can be present to those you wish to support without adding your own?

Dark nights as part and parcel of things

2010-11-19T21:49:00.008Z

On the way to the Taurus Full Moon: tonight's view from my kitchen

If - like me - you appreciate accessing new insights and options in life as part of the adventure of being alive, you'll see the necessity of accepting the discomfort of dissolving existing mindset that's part of the growth process (see : positive disintegration). You may - also like me - need reassurance that such discomfort is designed to be temporary: a part and parcel but not the entirety of what happens. Think "this too will pass" or the seasonality of winter, low tides or dark moons.

There are three implications of "positive disintegration" that I want to run by you:

* How can we generate willingness to accept emotional and functional disruption necessary for both personal and social evolution?

** How do we access dignity when experiencing "positive disintegration" while living amidst strong social bias for "the positive"?

*** How do we live the times of "disintegration" well? What does self-care, kindness or support look like then?

If you've ever been seriously down, you'll know there's wisdom in investing in some user-friendly answers here.

If you already have some, I'd love to hear them!

The meaning in positive disintegration

2010-11-18T13:29:00.018Z

Low tide is natural in the ebb and flow... Llansteffan, Wales

And so to the promised expansion on positive disintegration.

I came across it as an anguished teenager in Poland in the eighties and it gave me some perspective and therefore hope around the intense emotional upheavals I was experiencing at the time. In other words it gave my pain meaning and therefore made life bearable.

I'm eternally grateful to Dr Dabrowski for bringing sanity into suffering through normalising rather than demonising pain. For one thing, this bought me time to find out more about life and hunt for awareness and skills to transform despair and be able to delight in life as well. For another thing, the concept of positive disintegration has been a stepping stone in a journey towards embracing all aspects of life beyond the limitations of cultural preference for more - bigger - better.

Kazimierz Dabrowski - a Polish doctor of medicine and philosophy, a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist in one - coined the term "positive disintegration" to describe a natural, positive phenomenon in personality evolution. He said, in my translation:

"Although the process of disintegration lessens or even breaks down the unity of inner environment and creates conflicts within and with one's external environment - it is fundamental in creating and developing a higher structure of the psyche and personality which tends to re-integration.

(...)

Positive disintegration enriches an individual's life, expands their mental and emotional horizons and can fuel creativity too."

Dabrowski, p. 11 and 15

On "enjoying pain"

2010-11-16T18:02:00.015Z

So, here's the promised expansion on the concept of us not being the source of healing/answers etc. but rather being channels for these. You can hear Dr Rosenberg say, 4 minutes into the 9 minute clip below, that:

"The more we think it's our job to make the other person feel better, the more we're going to make it worse. 'Cos you can't fix people. The good news is you don't have to. There's a very powerful healing energy always available IF WE DON'T BLOCK IT. How do we block that energy? By trying to fix things ourselves. So how do we help that energy do the job? By empathy.

Empathy requires presence, just to be present. When we're just present, when we're remembering the Buddha's advice "Don't do something, stand there!" - when we do that and that energy works through us, there's a precious connection between that person and us and that precious connection is what I mean by "enjoying the pain".

This awareness and applying it to myself, via self-empathy rather than self-fixing, was what made a difference to me recently and what often transforms my pain - whenever I remember to be the channel for empathy, that is!

If we are simply receptacles/channels for healing answers and growth than we really need to learn how to be present, how to be receptive to life-essential information.

What's your way, your practice for maintaining openness?

If you can't see the clip below, watch it on youtube here.

On unplanned processing

2010-11-15T20:57:00.016Z

Some things in life are linear. Some...

Well, what do you know: I planned to catch up with blogging and experienced unplanned three days worth of processing instead. Woman proposes, life disposes...

There's some sadness in me that it's taken me that long to navigate the emotional material that's come up and I have gratitude for the learning it's brought, both. The good news for you, sweet reader, is new insights to share and discuss.

The first one of these is acknowledgment of how difficult it can be to accept an unplanned wave of strong emotions when they appear and colour or even suspend everything around you. I don't think it's just me: we are all one way or another affected by cultural, cast-iron "shoulds" about social adult behaviour, for example that we spend a certain number of hours a day working, doing, not "sitting in stuff". There are also one's own hopes to achieve certain things in life, work and relationships and losing ability to keep going, however temporary, can be scary.

And yet... In my recent experience, the more I tried to take myself out of the stuck, painful place I was in, the more I was suffering and "in it": a paradoxical, counterproductive addition to the difficulty I started with. The way out is through here too, it seems, and so the question that we need to ask ourselves is: how do we experience processing well?

For me, recently, these things made a difference:

1. Recalling many such experiences from the past and how my psyche survived them thanks to Dr Dabrowski's concept of positive disintegration (I'll write more about it soon!)

2. Remembering - just about - that answers/healing/resolution come not from us but through us and that it happens when we're present to what is, not reacting to it and trying to fix it. (See tomorrow's video clip about this).

3. Companionship and compassion from a friend who listened deeply (via skype!)

4. Listening to an inspiring teleclass (even though I couldn't open to the material fully as I was in such a different place, it still held a perspective for me that over time added up to a life-sense making picture.

5. Allowing myself to experience the "limitation" I was experiencing without adding to the distress with self-criticism. This has not always been possible for me but I AM learning and I find that self-compassion is ergonomic!

On glorious visions

2010-11-14T15:34:00.005Z

It being my day off today, I'd like to share something magical and beautiful: to rest and delight your gentle soul! If you cannot see the clip below, watch it on youtube here.

On anxiety (a gentle reminder)

2010-11-10T22:30:00.004Z

Rose quartz stones in friend's healing space

“Anxiety is the pits!” I recently remarked to a close friend. I was having more than my fair share of it at the time. My friend, in her cheerful attempt to add perspective, reminded me that people don’t die from anxiety – and that eventually it goes away. That was not a bad reminder. Anxiety can make you shake, lose sleep, feel dizzy or nauseous. It can convince you that you are losing your memory, if not your mind. But anxiety is rarely fatal. And eventually it will subside.”

Harriet g. Lerner

What we CAN choose

2010-11-08T20:33:00.011Z

React or respond? That's a key question!

We were leaving the house, me and my partner, the other day and he did something trivial (I forget what now!) that we both knew could have annoyed me. He said, "thank you for not getting cross about it" and it struck me (and I said so) that really I had nothing to do with not getting cross on this occasion, just as I (and people) have little to do with positive feelings reaction we experience to some events.

Do you know what I mean? I think we don't choose if something leaves us delighted or depressed in the moment, or for that matter if we feel loving or hateful towards somebody. Yes, we can choose the response to how something is affecting us but even that is a result of certain factors.

For example, with practice,* it becomes possible to experience emotional reactions and not react from feelings but respond to the situation from a decision about how/who we want to be in the world. Still, the bigger the historical pain in us the current event touches, the harder it is to not just react from feelings (at least at first).

If the latter applies, those who want to practice choosing who we want to be in response to circumstances need to do so belatedly. This is a "mop up" strategy for choosing how we live: once we've reacted from feelings and after we've cooled down, we first "do our emotional homework" (clarify and take care of what's so important to us that we reacted to protect it) and then we go back to the person and "mop up". "Mopping up" (thanks to Kit Miller for the term!) means speaking and doing what we couldn't in the heat of the moment. We speak the regret of reacting the way we did PLUS what is dear to us that we would have wanted to respond from instead. PLUS whatever else there needs to happen for completion and progress.

Does this sound difficult? I guess anything new is and it gets easier with practice. For me, it's completely worth it compared to the alternative: accepting being a victim to circumstances and then growing in bitterness about life. I'd rather have a go at defining and attempting my way of living. Wouldn't you?

CONFLICT HOTLINE: EMPATHY SKILLS

2010-11-07T22:27:00.005Z

With thanks to the Bay NVC organisation for continuing to provide empathy training programs!

If you cannot see the clips, click on the start of each line to watch it on youtube. Ta!

PART 1/5 WHEN SOMEBODY USES MORE WORDS THAN U CAN TAKE:

PART 2/5 "EMPATHY TEAM" CAN ASSIST PEOPLE IN PROTEST:

PART 3/5 PREPARING FOR A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION IN FAMILY:

PART 4/5 TURNING AROUND A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION IN FAMILY:

PART5/5 REACHING CONNECTION THROUGH A DIVIDE (IN FAMILY):

Celebrating Sensitivity with Dorota Godby, UK

Praise for the quiet

CONFLICT HOTLINE (June 2011): connection skills for parenting situations

On ways of being

More on compassionate curiosity

CONFLICT HOTLINE (April 2011) when trust is broken...

Phew! Delicious days and then some

Be your own expert: on sensitive experimentation

On compassionate effectiveness

How vulnerability leads to power

How your head can support your state

Loving with your head and heart

On clearing the way

On gentle truth that lives underneath harsh thoughts

CONFLICT HOTLINE: help with parenting

On books and oracles

"Reconnecting with compassion"

On pregnant pause between needing and getting

Sensitive celebrities: WRITER

The paradox of "home truths"

On sense of proportion and detail part 2

A sense of proportion

A good beginning, not the end of the world

It's easy to get lost... and found!

When we get scared and react

CONFLICT HOTLINE: YES & NO AT WORK

On navigating fear

On opening to what's possible

On encouragement within

Awaiting sweeter times

On inner work

"Make a difference with what you have"

Good even if very different

A call for self-compassion

What's YOUR relationship with vulnerability?

How do you do rest?

New Year musings

Top Twelve Celebrating Sensitivity posts of 2010

On mum and dad love

On stillness...

Self-care for inner dilemmas (CONFLICT HOTLINE role plays from Bay NVC)

Easily delighted, easily hurt

Winter Solstice Wishes

Longing for peace within imperfection?

The festival of connection?

Tenderness, not fix-it

On sensitivity and parenting

On tending to prickliness

And what if love...

On heart chillers and melters

On social choices

On uncomfortable yet hopeful squirming

The dynamic space between the light and the dark

Some beauty...

A different you is a different world

Safety and sanity

Candle in the hand?

Dark nights as part and parcel of things

The meaning in positive disintegration

On "enjoying pain"

On unplanned processing

On glorious visions

On anxiety (a gentle reminder)

What we CAN choose

CONFLICT HOTLINE: EMPATHY SKILLS